My Feelings To You

Behind your shadow,
I stand and fall.
It's a tough battle,
In which I feel so small.
My feelings toward you
you might think are dumb.
Sad, upset, confused,
angry, hurt, and numb.
When I needed a mom,
you were not there
to talk about boys
or to fix my hair.
Yes, you did call,
every once and a while,
but an ocean of tears
hides behind this smile.
Tormented, trapped, and torn,
my heart says I feel.
Seven years after I was born
my heart won't start to heal.
I see other girls
laugh with their moms,
I go dizzy with swirls,
and crash like a bomb.
The anger in me
rages in fright,
always staying angry,
I just think I might.
Time heals everything,
I don't think that's true,
I know something
time did not do.
Time has been flying.
For a long while
I've always been trying
to show a real smile.
One thing that hurts,
and I don't know why,
you moved far away,
and it makes me cry.
When I think about this,
to myself I lie,
I've gotten over you,
that I would not try.
You are a mother,
a mother of two,
me and my brother.
We hardly know you.
Every night I think
of how my life could've been,
tears run down my face,
and my world starts to spin.
These past few years
have been really hard.
For the rest of my life
I'll be severely scarred.
It took me time to realize
what you did to me.
Tears in my eyes,
and you're clueless it seems.
I try to be brave,
it really hurts.
You could've stayed,
instead of making it worse.
I want you to know this,
it's sad but it's true,
you hurt your little girl,
and your little boy too!
You ruined me,
you made me cry,
you really hurt me,
and to laugh I try.
There is a hole in my heart
the doctors don't see.
I guess they don't know
what my mommy did to me.
If you want me back,
you have to prove
you can be a mom
to me and Francis, too!
When I screamed for you,
did you hear a sound?
I guess you didn't,
because you were never around.
I will tell you something
you cannot forget,
once you hurt your kids,
it will soon come to regret.

A Grieving Daughter

She told her daughter she hated her and wished she was never born.
She didn't even seem to care that the child's heart was torn.
She blamed child for all of her heartache and pain.
Did she realize emotional abuse can drive a child insane.
She said her child was the reason she never achieved her dreams.
Those words hurt her child more than to her they may have seemed.
All her daughter wanted was her love and her affection.
But all she ever got was her mother's constant rejection,
Feeling like a lost child with no one to love.
She prayed to be taken away to the heavens above,
Not knowing why she just wasn't good enough.
Why, when she needed gentleness, was she treated so rough.
Wondering why her existence caused her mother so much pain,
Longing for her mother's love she probably would never gain.
Wanting her mother to tell her she was a blessing,
That she was not the reason for her mother's stressing.
If there is a little girl out there that feels this way,
Just know you are one of GOD's Angels, and he loves you more each day.

When A Friend Bids Goodbye

My dear friend,
close your eyes...
hold my hand,
and hear me whisper...

For the times I was lost,
you were there to look for me.
Will you believe me when I say I love you more than you'll ever know.
Will you trust me when I say ...this time you have to let me go.

My dear friend, I must leave.
The world no longer needs me.
It's my time to be gone, until we meet again someday.
Don't you cry now, I know I'll be okay.
Trust that I'll never forget you.
Don't be sad now, just close your eyes until it's through.
Hold my hand, don't open your eyes yet...
wait when I no longer whisper..

My dear friend, you'll be fine.
I'll be up there watching over you.
For the times I'll be gone, don't ever forget
the words I whispered to you.

God calls on my name... and I have to let go of your hand now...
Please don't cry... and smile for me..
because I'm with the one who made us friends.

Remember, I'll always love you.
so come, wave me goodbye...
It'll be painful but we have to...
Hug me, hug me tight, feel the words I can no longer say.

My dear friend, I'm going to miss you.
just pray because I'll always listen.
and one day, when it's your time,
I'll be there for you...
Just like the way I used to.
...I love you...

Abortion, The Gift Of Life

I received a gift from a stranger,
A stranger I did not know.
I had heard his name before,
But just in passing, so I let it go.

I did not think it was a gift,
But rather a terrible burden.
They said it was nothing I wanted.
Of this they were certain.

I was told it was something bad
And more than I could bear.
No one mentioned it was precious.
It was as if they didn't care.

I sent the gift back to the stranger,
Where it came from up above.
If only I had met him sooner,
I would have seen the gift was made with love.

Instead, I treated the gift like it was nothing.
I quickly sent it back.
They told me I did the right thing,
But they left out an important fact.

See, the gift was made just for me by a stranger,
And God was his name.
I had never even noticed him,
Yet he loved me just the same.

He had created that precious gift.
Each piece he made by hand to my surprise,
And yet I didn't even see it.
My life was based on lies.

When I found out what the gift contained
And realized I had thrown it away,
I believed I would always suffer
And be punished every day.

But to my disbelief, that stranger,
Who I had ignored and turned away,
Created three more gifts for me
And sent them all my way.

I begged for his forgiveness.
I prayed and felt his love.
I wondered what had become of the first gift
Sent from above.

I later learned the gift would remain
With our loving God and then
I would meet my baby in heaven
And receive the gift again.

I have no fear that I will not know
Which gift was meant for me.
So many have been thrown away,
But mine I will surely see.

For I have dreamed of my little boy
Whose eyes were big and bright.
I will run right over to him,
And know him at first sight.

I will say, "Mommy loves you!"
I know that is how I'll start.
Then I will thank God for taking care of my baby
While we were so far apart.

If I could just help one person
See their gift contains such love
And that the life inside that little gift
Came from God above,

It would honor my precious baby,
Whose life was lost to a lie.
It would stop the suffering of another child
And a mother who would otherwise be too scared to try.

Abortion, Dear Baby Unborn

Dear baby unborn,
You came out of the blue.
I took a pregnancy test,
And then I knew,

My world turned upside down.
Inside I could feel you;
It made me smile,
But part of me knew I couldn't keep you.

You became my world.
I would talk to you hour on hour.
I grew to love you.
I wished the decision was out of my power.

See, I wanted to be your mum,
I wanted to keep you safe,
I wanted to hold you close,
I wanted to be the one you depended on.
For a second I thought I could do it.
I thought I could be the one,
I thought I was ready for it,
But in just two days you were gone.

You see, mummy loved you
With every part of her heart,
But Mummy knew that we were better off apart
Because Mummy couldn't give you the life that you deserved.

There isn't a single day
Where Mummy doesn't wish that she could reach up
And grab you back down to earth,
Place you safely back in Mummy's tummy,
And show you how much you're worth.

Smiling is hard without you.
I grieve for you every day,
But this was my decision,
I chose to let you fly away,

Fly away with the angels,
And look down on me from up above.
Understand my decision, baby,
Wasn't done through a lack of love.

I loved all that you were, with every part of me.
That will never change,
You will always be my first,
My baby unborn at 65 days.

Life With You

You taught me how beautiful life is,
Everything from your words, your touch, your kiss.

You gave me hope, you gave me love,
And I know you were sent from heaven above.

The way you showed me the person I could be,
It's something you, and only you, would see.

You were always different and unique,
But I never guessed it was me you would seek.

How someone like me would end up with someone like you,
I honestly don't believe it, it cannot be true.

But it is, and I know every day,
That I have YOU, and it's needless to say

You've made my life beautiful and taught me how to live.
To show you how much I'm grateful, anything I'd give.

So thank you for coming into my life.
In doing so you've taken away the sorrow and strife.

You put a smile on my face and a skip to my stride
And I know you'll always be there by my side.

I Should've Known

I want to write, scream and shout
But I'm sitting here with this doubt.
I hate you for what you've done,
But I love you for what you've helped me become,
A strong woman who will put her foot down.
My mind keeps replaying how you played me like a stupid clown.
You say I messed up, that I was wrong.
I knew what was going on all along.
I sat there night after night wondering where you were.
I should've known you were with her,
Holding her the way I should've been held.
Now I just wish you'd both burn in hell.
I should've seen the emptiness in your eyes,
But like an idiot I kept believing your stupid lies.
You've scared me for life.
How could you do this to your wife,
A woman who gave you everything?
But you just went out and sold our wedding rings.
I see how much to you this marriage was worth,
That you'd just throw me out in the dirt.
For the next man I won't be able to open my heart.
It doesn't matter how long we've been apart.
The way that I loved you I will never love again.
I still ask myself why did this have to end?

It's His Fault

Why do you beat yourself up
because you had the courage to love,
gave all of yourself in hopes that he was the one?

Why do you beat yourself up
when it was his choice to be unfaithful,
his choice to hurt you?

Why do you beat yourself up,
knowing that you had done everything for him,
supported him, comforted him,
loved him more than you loved yourself?

Why, after his lies and deceit,
do you still love him and want him to love you?
Why, after the repeat of hurt and trust being lost,
do you think that he deserves a love as pure as yours?

Why do you beat yourself up
over what you could have done better
when you know deep down there was nothing?

What makes you search for answers as to why
when they will not change the past
nor mend your broken heart?

Why, when a man decides to cheat, do we blame ourselves?
Why does it make us question every little detail about who we are,
make us think that we are not worthy of love?

Why, when a man cheats, do we still long for him to change,
realize how wrong he was, and fall in love with us again?

Why do you beat yourself up,
when you deserve more,
when all that you have done is loved someone completely?

Give yourself time, and the pain will subside
and the mourning will cease.
You will see that you are still you,
still wonderful, beautiful you

Nothing has changed except your experience in love
and your determination to share love with another.

As you can never truly love someone
until you learn to love yourself.

I Wish I Wasn't Alone

Once when I was little
I was happy and carefree.
I used to run around laughing
Until it was time for tea.

I used to play games
And smile all the time.
I used to feel on top of the world.
I used to feel fine.

It's amazing how things change
When people let you down.
And how that once happy face
Turns into a solemn frown.

You search and search
For someone who cares,
Anyone who understands,
Anyone who dares.

Loneliness, it hurts.
It kills you deep inside.
It makes you feel empty.
It stops you in your stride.

You cry yourself to sleep,
Hugging your pillow tight,
Wishing for someone
To hold you through the night.

Once when I was little
I was happy and carefree.
Now my life's full of sadness,
Pain and misery.

Once when I was little
I was never on my own.
But now I pray at night
"I wish I wasn't alone."

Psalms 1-6

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